Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
