The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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