Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
