At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
