someone threw a dead crab at me
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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