Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
