We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
