I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
