Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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