I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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