i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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