It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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