theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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