I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
