You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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