I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
