Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
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