If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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