he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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