I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
