And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
