The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
