Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
