They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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