You're my little dorito
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
