I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
