I hate all girls vehemently.
You can't special order awesome
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
