clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Randomize
