I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
