I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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