Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
