The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
