i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
