i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Ladies don't puke and tell
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
