I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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