So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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