I'm sorry my penis didn't work
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
