It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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