And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
