That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
