Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
