I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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