I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
my poor anus
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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