Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
