he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
