the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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