He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
