The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
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You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
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Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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