Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
