Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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