I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
