what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
