If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
