On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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