I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
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