Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
