He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
