I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
