I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
